Woodsmen: a truly vital defense

In a recent article, the burly Pete Cronkite and fashionable Sam Chase proposed a hypothetical scenario in which all of Waterville attacked Colby College. While the duo proposed a light-hearted and well-reasoned scenario, they made one fatal miscalculation: “Dude, the woodman’s club would be so useless.”

The two are shortsighted to so quickly dismiss the lumberjack squad of Colby as “useless.” Looking to history, we find that the Hillbillies of Appalachian Mountains were instrumental to winning the American Revolution due to their guerrilla tactics in the wild terrain. The Woodsmen, being above the ranks of revolutionary Hillbillies, would be more than instrumental in repelling a Watervillian invasion through badass fortification skills and guerilla tactics.

The Woodsmen team would lend unparalleled fortification skills to the Colby team. The following Woodsmen events give the team advanced skills in fortification building and trap making:

V-Chop:

V-Chop is a timed event that involves a person chopping a vertical log in half with a trusty axe. This event gives us the ability to fell standing trees from Colby’s forest and arboretum for later use in fortification construction. This skill not only grants Colby valuable materials, but provides it with a way to set traps against coming forces. Half-chopped trees could be rigged as traps, while felled logs could even be used to make Ewok AT-AT traps.

H-Chop:

The typical H-Chop event involves a person standing atop a thick log and chopping it in half, aiming for the fastest time possible. Skills gained from this event would allow Woodsmen to quickly build fortifications from felled trees and wooden beams, giving the Colby force cover from the onslaught of Watervillians. Doubly, these skills would allow advancing Woodsmen to annihilate the barricades of our enemies.

Log-Roll:

While the normal event features rolling a log between stakes or up a ramp, this event lends the Colby force the ability to construct log rolling traps. As any biker would know, Colby is at the top of a relatively steep hill. Rolling logs down Mayflower Hill Drive during the enemy approach would be an effective force to halt the advance. When combined with another Woodsmen event, Burling, it would be no surprise to even see a daring Woodsmen Warrior riding the tumbling log into battle.

Fire-Build:

While the normal Fire-Build is a timed event to boil a can of water, it’s implications are huge. Quality Woodsmen can build fires in under two minutes, meaning they can use smoke to quickly make diversions or to signal forces across campus. In addition, quick fire would allow us to bar off entry routes and make the campus a more defensible area. Furthermore, when our heat and electricity is cut off, fire builders can keep our troops warm and merry.

Aside from helping with defense, the Colby Woodsmen present an effective combat force. A contingent of Woodsmen could form a forest dwelling guerilla force, serving as special operatives and scouts for Colby in and around the arboretum. Considering the two ruled guns out of the equation, the Woodsman Warrior would be especially effective, though I do believe we can deflect bullets with the heads of our axes. The following Woodsmen events give us the skills we need to be perfect Apache warriors:

Wood Splitting:

Splitting, an event where we normally break log cross-sections into firewood, gives Woodsmen the strength they need to wield an axe efficiently and powerfully. In this dire circumstance, our buff axe arms would give us the brute force we need to take on the average Watervillian. In addition, our axe practices give us access to protective guards, giving us armor to defend against whatever poor thing is at the other end of the axe. When combined with our axe and antique lumberjack arsenal, the Woodsmen Warrior has an edge in combat unparalleled by any other group at Colby.

Pole Climb:

In this event, competitors climb a bare pole at a quick pace in order to ring a bell before other competitors. More importantly, because of this, Woodsmen are able to climb trees in order to gain a vantage point on the battlefield. In addition, the Woodsmen Warrior is then able to ambush the enemy from the trees, making the forest a dangerous place for any Watervillian to enter.

Axe Throw:

This event explains itself. In a gunless battle, the throwing axe would be an effective tool for cutting cheese or enemies from afar. The throwing axe gives the Woodsmen Warrior deadly range, as well as a key means of ambushing. With the Colby Woodsmen team winning four axe throwing events last competition, there is no doubt as to the skills present.

Various Chainsaw Events:

Quite frankly, we are experienced with chainsaws. With the finesse to delicately cut stacks of log cross sections and the force to tear through massive logs in seconds, our enemies are nothing before our might. When even an inexperienced person with a chainsaw is an asset, those who are skilled can change the tide of any battle.

The duo had one more assertion that made the Woodsmen team undoubtedly beneficial: the incorporation of staff into the equation. While I do believe staff members, such as former astronaut Sandy Maisel and Chicago survivor President Greene, would bring a valuable addition to Colby’s force, little can compare to our team coach, Dave.

Dave, an experienced Mainesman, knows the mentality of the average Watervillian. His input would bolster intel, reshape tactics and anticipate enemy strategy and advances. With a knack for organization, management and training troops, he could easily rise to be Colby’s top general in the coming war. In addition, he could provide willing soldiers with the crucial Woodsmen skills they need to win this fight.

More importantly, Dave is the perfect warrior. When donning camo, Dave becomes completely indistinguishable from his surroundings, giving him mastery of the battlefield and the fears of our enemies. With ears like a hawk, he can also sense a broken axe or poor swing from miles away, giving him extensive knowledge of his surroundings. It is even rumored that his cheery greeting is actually a form of echolocation. Combine that with unparalleled skills in axe handling, and Colby has its first Avenger.

Lead by the almighty Dave, the Woodsmen Warriors are clearly a force not to be trifled with. Cronkite and Chase have vastly underestimated our power, and they will do well to reconsider this judgement in their hypothetical invasion. For when the Watervillians attack, one question will remain: Will you have us?

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