The attack of the Watervillians

SAM: Ok first we need to like, define the parameters of this thing.

PETE: Right, exact rules. What exact hypothetical situation are we going to be discussing here?

SAM: Waterville like mobilizes a force against Colby. Everyone in Waterville just decides they’re going to attack everyone at Colby?

PETE: Well it wouldn’t be like the entirety of Waterville, I think.

SAM: Let’s take the non-government employees of Waterville, that way they don’t get the police force and their guns.

PETE: Good looks. They’re at a town hall meeting or something, and they’re like, “f*** Colby.”

SAM: [laughing] “We declared war.” Colby College has like, b****ed out on the last taxi cab payment or something.

PETE: But they’ve openly declared war, so we have some time to prepare, like organize and make defenses.

SAM: Two days. But the government is out on this. No one is coming to help us.

PETE: Vigilante s***. But I think no cars. Like we can’t just drive away and go somewhere else.

SAM: ‘Villains have barricaded campus. And cut off communication, obviously.

PETE: [action movie voice] “They hit us with an EMP!”

SAM: That’s actually, yeah that’s sort of interesting, that knocks out the internet and everything too. But ok so first of all, I don’t think this is a very defensible location. They also outnumber us by like, so many.

PETE: Isn’t that like the fun of it though?

SAM: But I don’t want to go Alamo for no reason, dude. There needs to be a plan to keep spirits up and hopes alive!

PETE: I think we Alamo it. I’m for the Alamo.

SAM: Dude, but a lot of people would not be down to Alamo. I’m with you, I’ll fight to the last man, but…

PETE: Yeah but I mean the kind of people who are down to Alamo are the kind of people  here who are going to be doing the fighting anyway. Like, if we’re being realistic here, the vast majority of Colby people would just f***ing leave.

SAM: Well they’re going to get killed. If they try to leave, they run into the ‘villain blockade and get captured and killed…so for defenses, I don’t really go to Miller that much, so I can’t really comment, but it’s got a lot of, uh, space in it.

PETE: I think one of the pros of it, like entrances-wise, it’s got those big doors by the steps, we could put up barricades there, and then the entrances in the street are pretty narrow, we could bottleneck ‘em and all that.

SAM: Ah, but like how are we gonna get guns? We have the gun club and the archery club…

PETE: That’s like six f***ing guns.

SAM: Tops. That’s like six guns, like five bow-and-arrows.

PETE: “‘You have my bow!’ ‘And my axe!’”

SAM: Dude, the woodman’s club would be so useless.

PETE: How many people in Waterville, do you think, realistically, have their own gun?

SAM: Oh man, dude, I bet there are more guns in Waterville than people.

PETE: Ah, I don’t know about that.

SAM: There’s probably a lot of guns. We’d need to make raids, on houses close to Colby to get more guns. Maybe there’s some kind of online gun registry where we could check out who has guns.

PETE: They EMP’d us dude, you have no internet.

SAM: Oh, that’s true. Yeah ok so we need food and weapons.

PETE: We have a stockpile of food from Sodexo, the only problem I think is defending it, ‘cuz Dana is not like the most defensible place in the world. Big-a** windows and all that.

SAM: We have to move the food…yeah, you’re right. None of them are that good, really, Bob’s, Foss….Bob’s is actually –

PETE: Bob’s wouldn’t be bad I think. It’s the windows down low that I’m worried about.

SAM: They’re big. You can take cover behind them though I think. Dude, close quarters fighting behind some tables?

PETE: That would be absurd. The tables move though, I feel like we could just put them up against the windows, but bullets would tear right through those tables. There’s not a lot on Colby’s campus that’s not, like very easy for an assault rifle to get through.

SAM: Dude, I bet the tunnels, in – the steam tunnels…

PETE: But if they get in there, you’re cooked.

SAM: They don’t know about ‘em!

PETE: The entire city of Waterville, what like 15,000? Somebody’s going to know about them.

SAM: Well we get the Colby employees too.

STEVE: That’s big.

PETE: That is a game-changer.

SAM: You think security has guns? Probably like one.

PETE: I don’t think they do. I would bet probably not. They’re pretty quick to call the cops. Any situation where they would need a gun, they would just call the cops.

SAM: We should ask Jeff Coombs if he has a gun. “Hi, we’re doing research for the Echo, do you have a gun?” … yeah they might not have a gun actually.

PETE: I think we could make this scenario more exciting if we take away firearms altogether.

SAM: Yeah we have to. Otherwise we just lose. And now we’re doing well! We have some athletes! Like then the physical fitness aspect starts to play a role.

PETE: We’re still outnumbered like seven to one, that’s no joke.

SAM: Then the archery squad comes into play. We just bought a bunch of archery stuff.

PETE: For your quad?

SAM: No, like the school! We bought a bunch of stuff for the archery team. Although we should get some for our quad too…

STEVE: [laughing] …pick off freshmen.

PETE: So we have hand-to-hand Watervillain assailants, inbound…imminently.

SAM: Heights, Hillside, and the Apartments, do we stay there, or retreat to there?

PETE: I don’t know about Hillside…

SAM: It would be pretty crazy to use our knowledge to—

PETE: We’d still have to organize a complicated defense in there.

SAM: We could do it. They’d get lost, and we’d have people, I don’t know.

PETE: Now I’m imagining some ninja scenarios. Have some sophomore who lives there hiding behind a corner…

SAM: Yeah, exactly. “He knows Hillside too well!”

PETE: “It’s quiet in here…too quiet.”

SAM: The Apartments has kitchens, but I guess we wouldn’t need…but having access to a bigger Sodexo kitchen would be necessary to feed everyone. We have to decide where to fall back to.

PETE: Honestly, I think Bob’s would have to be one of those. Aside from those windows…like nowhere is that secure on campus.

SAM: That might even be our base of operations.

PETE: The Echo office in particular is very defensible I think.

SAM: That whole complex could be a good guard room. So do we get like swords and s***?

PETE: I think just what’s available to us now.

SAM: Baseball bats, hockey sticks…

STEVE: Macbook Pros.

PETE: My former roommate’s sledgehammer.

SAM: He would be a huge asset! I would love to have him on that. Ok so who would have political control in this scenario? Not SGA.

PETE: Definitely not.

(Stay tuned for Part Two next week)

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