Confirmed: Trump living in shadow of Index Fund in which his father should have invested

Saying that “he really needed this,” political analysts confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s election victory helped the 70-year-old man escape from the shadow of the Index Fund in which his dad should have invested.

The President received $40-$200 million of assets from his father, which financial analysts agree would have been better invested in the Schwab, USAA, or Vanguard S&P 500 Index Funds, or “really anything that would make no decisions or discretionary trades, especially not the decision to start a steak company.”

Economists confirmed that a fund that would not decide to start a fake college or “stupid board game” would have been “ideal.”

Trump, who has since looked into an Executive Order to ban the words “Index” and “Fund” from the American vernacular, asserted that his father made a wise decision during a press release Wednesday. He noted that Trump Tower, while less quantitatively valuable than the payout on a long term investment of $40 million, is one of “the best assets in the world.”

Harvard Business School Professor of Finance Robert Weiss noted that Trump’s “weird attachment” to his buildings is “weird’ and “doesn’t make sense,” adding that assets are valued by how much money they make.

Trump countered in a tweet, stating that Professor Weiss “sounds like my dad, who, despite what you hear on the Fake News, was very proud of me and always gave me hugs when I asked.”

This tweet has since been deleted and replaced with a tweet in which Trump wishes he could deport women he finds ugly, followed by the hashtag MAGA.

On Thursday, after convening with the N.Y. Federal Reserve (who again informed Trump that he could not place a “bet on the race” with them), the President’s caravan was seen speeding away from Wall Street.

Press Secretary Sean Spicer explained that Trump’s haste was indeed due to the “audible taunting” of market-tracking financial products that Mr. Trump’s father should have purchased.

Spicer also confirmed reports that the President has, on numerous occasions, woken up screaming the word Vanguard and has had to be calmed down by his wife Melania, or Steve Bannon when things get “really hairy.” Trump was seen visibly shivering at the mention of Bannon’s name.

Trump, who sees the words “you didn’t beat the market” every time he closes his eyes, objected via Twitter that he has never made a bad business decision.

However, this was countered by his Wikipedia Page, whose intrepid journalism listsed the following president’s failed business ideas: Trump Steaks, GoTrump.com, Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, Trump: The Game, Trump Magazine, Trump University, Trump Ice, The New Jersey Generals, Tour De Trump, Trump on the Ocean, The Trump Network, Trumped!, and Trump New Media, all of which used the same font and were in business for a year or less.

The Echo sat down with the President on Friday to learn why he has embarked on all these hair-brained schemes that have consistently wasted his father’s money.

Trump admitted that for his whole life, he has been trying to be something he’s not, selling buildings, air travel, college—you name it.

Now, the President says he is finally being true to himself. He doesn’t need wacky ideas, because he realized that what people really wanted from him was in his heart the whole time: racism and misogyny.

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