Attack of the Watervillians (Part 2): Colby prepares for the invasion

After a week-long hiatus, the hypothetical saga of Waterville’s siege against Colby continues. This week, the irreverent philosphers are joined by Steve Buxbaum ‘15 and Griffin Allen ‘16.

SAM: Ok, so who would have political control in this scenario? Not SGA.

PETE: Definitely not.

SAM: We would have to have, like, special elections.

PETE: Some professors would try to seize control.

SAM: Yeah…well it’s the most important thing. If we don’t organize, we’re not going to survive. I think we’d have to get the sports captains involved; that’s a good leadership structure that’s already there.

PETE: I think we’d get some serious clashes of personality, especially between captains and professors.

SAM: Yeah, a lot of professors wouldn’t want to listen to varsity athletes on this. We could use a classics professor for this, organize us into like phalanxes!

PETE: This is getting complex.

[At this point, our resident philosophy major friend, Griffen Allen ’16 enters the conversation]

SAM: I say we go back to the Greeks on this.

GRIFF: We should listen to Plato, set up a philosopher-king system. Just give political control to the philosophy department.

STEVE: A republic! That’s what I was saying.

PETE: I would give it to the government department faster than I would philosophy.

SAM: Really dude? You want a dystopia that’s some kind of terrible, like, dictatorship?

STEVE: Econ department would know how to maximize our resources.

GRIFF: We could give it to the geology department…just out of curiosity.


SAM: “Weed is legal!”

PETE: Ok, ok, but what happens when the horde of Watervillains actually comes crashing against our defenses?

GRIFF: That’s why the philosophy department will set up a guard system.

SAM: Oooh, so are we going to go caste system for this? Best idea for survival: social striations. Well we could use athletic teams as squads for different tasks, mix in guys’ and girls’ teams. Hand-to-hand physical strength matters here.

PETE: What if—and I don’t know if we have a big enough space for this—we just issue an ultimatum to the commander of Waterville, like, “We’ll just meet you guys somewhere in a field in a line of battle. Napoleonic warfare.”

SAM: Dude no, they have more people.

PETE: They have about 15,000, we have about 2,000, it’s not much worse than 7-1.

GRIFF: Can I be the philosopher king? Democracy is a bad system.

SAM: You’re not wrong, but no. The big problem with a Colby society is that no one would be willing to do the shitty work.

PETE: Yeah, not enough people would defer to someone else. I don’t think we could quickly agree on a single king or ruling entity to rally behind.

SAM: They would be a problem.

STEVE: We’d probably have to eat them. Realistically. Once we run out of food.

PETE: What if we strapped a GoPro to like a cat’s head and sent it behind enemy lines for recon?

SAM: I don’t think that would work very well, man. Ok well anyway I think…at least we need to protect Bob’s.

PETE: Our base of operations.

SAM: Bob’s and Miller. Do you think we could fit the entire population of Colby in Bob’s and Miller? Like, sorry David Suchoff, but we’d have to throw all the books out.

PETE: We could light some books on fire and throw them out the window as weapons.

STEVE: Chemistry department could design and make some chemical weapons.

SAM: Oh yeah, that’s a good idea. Throw some chemicals with the books maybe.

PETE: Greek fire?

SAM: We could get the baseball team up there, with like rocks or something, flaming balls.

PETE: We should defend the AC. Easily defensible, and you could sleep disaster-situation amounts of people in there.

SAM: Oh yeah, and it’s super important to remember that waste plant doesn’t turn off, and that’s close by. Might as well.

PETE: The down side is that it’s far away. We might get cut off.

SAM: PPD, around there, would have a lot of useful stuff too.

STEVE: Walkie-talkies!

SAM: That would be huge, actually. Those golf carts would be pretty prime too. I agree, though, that we should try to meet them in the field. They would think they could just overrun us.

STEVE: It also wouldn’t actually be all 15,000 people.

SAM: Definitely not. There are lots of people too old, too young. They’d send mostly men, a few women, just the best of the Watervillians. 7,000 maybe?

STEVE: I’m saying 4,000 really dangerous ones, but they’d probably send more.

SAM: Well with students and staff, we might have, like 2,500?

GRIFF: EMT headquarters are at the Health Center, we have gauze and basic stuff there.

PETE: I think the training center down in the AC could serve much of that purpose in a combat situation.

[As Mr. Allen prepares to leave for his shift at work…]

GRIFF: I have to leave, but…I like tactics. Let’s continue this.

SAM: We could send an EMT along with each sports team strike squad on their missions.

PETE: Goes without saying the linemen on the football team would be guarding the doors of buildings.

STEVE: Soccer team would be useless.

SAM: Pretty useless.

PETE: Well no, they and cross-country could be good for sending messages across campus. Especially if we’re doing the AC/Bob’s split defense.

SAM: Got to send them in pairs, though. In general, we should make a “no traveling alone” rule.

STEVE: Should we go on the offensive?

SAM: We’d have to…I just see them dominating in this scenario unless we do something.

STEVE: Chemical weapons, man.

PETE: How would going on the offensive in the open help us? Maybe just small strike teams for supply and harassment runs.

STEVE: We could send them out to like, kidnap Waterville babies and hope for a surrender.

SAM: Lindbergh them.

PETE: What?

SAM: Charles Lindbergh had his baby stolen.

PETE: Alternatively, I think most of the buildings on campus could be defended by just the people who are in them. Small hallways and entrances and all that.

SAM: The whole card entry system…well EMP.

PETE: In this scenario though…well it’d be pretty nuts getting a call at like 3 am, “Hillside has fallen! They are coming!”

SAM: There’d be a Drums in the Deep, Lord of the Rings scenario for the Watervillians in Hillside. “What’s that sound?” And there’s some rugby player with a sledgehammer in the steam tunnels picking them off one by one.

PETE: Booby-traps, in general, would be a necessity.

STEVE: That gets psychological too. If they see a few of their  guys go down to booby-traps, they start looking at the floor and shit, rethinking their attack.

SAM: I think they would be overconfident. They know they outnumber us, they would just come at us. Loosely organized.

PETE: They would definitely come at us from multiple angles.

SAM: But they’re not starving us out. Just attacking.

PETE: I think they’d go hard for Miller. Symbol of the school and all that.

SAM: Might we just have to battle them? Secure our shit first, but then…onwards to battle, fall back into those secure areas if we had to.

STEVE: I want a naval battle in Johnson Pond.

SAM: Oh man.

PETE: Ok, well we have our defensible positions, next step is figuring out battle.

SAM: We have a whole apocalyptic Colby scenario here…

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