The Guth Truth: Top five ways to spend Colby’s endowment

Hello fellow Mules! Ben Guth here coming at you with a great top five list relating to Colby College. While some may say that these lists are completely debased and irrational, I believe they do not belong in the opinions section of the Echo, but the news, as they are the Guth Truth™. That being said, this weeks topic is what we should be doing with the immense $870 million endowment Colby has accumulated due to tireless fundraising and the Dare Northward campaign. These purchases would undoubtedly improve the lives of all Colby Students and help truly propel Colby into the upper echelons of elite academic institutions.

#5: The Los Angeles Kings

While not as impressive as buying an NBA or NFL franchise, the Los Angeles Kings would still be a huge acquisition for the College. Buying not only one of the most valuable teams in the NHL, but also one of the most successful teams for the past decade with Stanley Cup wins in 2012 and 2014, this would be an impressive coup. The NCAA be damned, it would also be a great opportunity to give our men’s hockey team some more national exposure and experience against some great competition. What better way to increase Colby’s presence on the West Coast than by buying a major sports franchise and eventually renaming it the Mules?

#4: 7 million Colby parking tickets

With each ticket often coming to about $125, this sum of money could generously pay off every students parking ticket given out for approximately half a semester. However, this could become counterintuitive as it is well-known that a large sum of Colby’s endowment comes directly from parking tickets and fines. Additionally, I don’t know anyone who’s ever actually paid a parking ticket during their time at Colby.

#3: The Entire Economic Output of Saint Vincent and the Grenadines for the 2019 Fiscal Year

With this small Caribbean country producing a GDP of $856 million for the past year, it would be interesting to see Colby buy everything the country produces for the next year. What would we be buying you might ask? Well, as the world’s leading producer of arrowroot and a large producer of bananas as well, I think our dining halls would be thankful for this strategic investment. Additionally, the blossoming tourist industry in this country would make many students and faculty members very happy with their newfound spring break trips.

#2:  84,730 Bitcoin

As of right now with the price of Bitcoin being $10,267.80, Colby’s endowment fund could purchase a considerable amount. But with prices obviously only ever going up, its now or never to buy into Bitcoin until $870 million can only get you like twelve Bitcoin at the most. Pretty much everything I’ve learned at Colby has taught me that there is no way this could go poorly.

#1: Bates’s Entire Endowment Fund 2.76 Times

What better way to flex on our rival school than by purchasing their entire endowment fund just because we can? As it is obvious that endowment is the only metric that matters in comparing schools, the Colby vs. Bates debate has definitely been put to rest by this eye-opening statistic.

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