The Guth Truth: Top five mascots better than the Mules

For this week’s article, we are solving the age-old issue every prospective Colby student confronts: do I want to go to a school whose mascot is a sterile cross between a horse and a donkey? I’m not sure what the origin of the Mule mascot is, but it certainly does not strike fear into the hearts of our opponents and it’s time for a change. With that said, let’s dive into what I think are some great new ideas for the new symbol of Colby College.

#5: Flamin’ Hot Mules

This was my friend Noah’s suggestion. I really don’t have anything else to say about it, it was his idea. It’s alright, but not that much better than what we have now. Also, there might be a possible copyright issue with Cheetos because they have that flamin’ hot thing on lock.

#4: Patriots

Colby could really play into its New England identity by taking on this persona. Since a majority of Colby students are already Patriots fans, this would be a natural fit, as being a Patriots hater is oftentimes equivalent to being a social outcast at this school. An issue with this could come from our football team, seeing as the quality of their play is often not up to Patriots standards. Additionally, having the same mascot as my high school would be convenient, as my Patriots Swim and Dive bag could be used without any complaints from my coach.

#3: Fennec Foxes

If you can’t be intimidating then at least be adorable, right? These little guys are possibly the cutest creature I’ve ever seen. They provide almost everything you could want from a mascot, and I’m pretty sure most of the campus would be totally down for this change. Also, we could follow in the footsteps of some big-time schools and get an actual animal to represent our school at big sporting events. Imagine trotting out a little fennec fox on the ice in between periods of the Colby-Bowdoin hockey game! That would be pretty cool, although I’m almost certain PETA would have a complaint.

#2: Danny Devitos

Everybody likes Danny Devito, and that’s just a fact of life. As a mascot, he would strike fear into the hearts of all our opponents, because trust me, you DO NOT want to see Danny when he’s on the attack (speaking from experience). I don’t know how much money it would take to lure the award-winning actor to Maine to live as a mascot of a Division III school, but it would definitely be a good use of said money.

#1: Melting Ice Caps

What are the biggest threats to our archrival, the Bowdoin Polar Bears? That’s right, those god damn melting ice caps. There is no better mascot to strike fear into the hearts of our greatest rival.

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