The Guth Truth: Top five ideas for new varsity sports

As we continue to Dare Northward with a relentless pursuit of achievement and seeing Colby succeed on a national level, doesn’t it feel like it’s time for some new varsity programs at Colby to improve our overall chances of success? I mean, it’s clear that some of our teams are just not getting the job done, and the more obscure the sport, the better the chance we have at claiming a national title. My sister’s school, the tiny Haverford College in Pennsylvania, comes to mind: for many years they were the only college in the country with a varsity cricket program, effectively making them the best varsity college cricket team in the country. With that being said, here are a few possibilities for some new additions to our athletics department:

#5: Water Polo

A rather shameless plug here if I say so myself. As a member of the currently club water polo team I think it is about time we take the next step and become a varsity-level program. While there aren’t many small varsity programs on the East Coast, it would provide some awesome opportunities for us to travel to California and hopefully reach the point where we are able to beat the team from Claremont-Mckenna, where I was rejected from early decision. Having my own team become a varsity program and the chance for some great revenge? What could be better?

#4: Beer Die

Every Colby student has heard the legend that beer die was supposedly invented here many years ago.  Even if it isn’t true, we could really cement our place as the premier beer die school in the country by making a varsity program. Recruiting and coaching would not be a problem for this one, as there are ample students on campus as well as alumni who would love to make this a reality, while being incredibly skilled at this competitive sport.

#3: Downhill ice skating

You might ask how we would construct the facilities for this one, as downhill ice rinks are hard to come by. However, anyone who has ever walked around Colby before any salt has been put down, or tried walking the treacherous path that leads from the senior apartments to hillside during the winter, can attest that these rinks exist already exist all around our campus. Unfortunately, I came to know this better than most, as I was recently involved in a tragic fall on one of these rinks. However, with some skates and training, I could turn tragedy into triumph and bring home a national championship.

#2: Whack-Bat

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this sport, I will direct you towards viewing Wes Anderson’s whimsical take on Roald Dahl’s classic story Fantastic Mr. Fox. The 2009 film is an achievement in stop motion animation and includes heavy hitting voice actors such as George Clooney, Meryl Streep, and Bill Murray. In the movie, whack-bat is a sport that involves hitting a burning pine cone with a plethora of other rules that seem confusing. I honestly don’t understand the sport, but it’s from a good movie and seems cool so I thought I’d put it down.

#1: Buzkashi

An absolutely electric sport that does not get nearly as much recognition as it should, Buzkashi translates directly into “goat pulling” and is popular with Central Asian communities in countries like Tajikistan. The premise is simple: teams of riders on horseback compete to throw a headless goat carcass into the other team’s “circle of justice.” There seems to be no solidified set of rules, but due to the fact that we would probably be the first college in the United States with a varsity Buzkashi program, we could make them ourselves. We already have fields that could be used for the sport along with local stables we could borrow horses from, and as for the goats, there’s a lot of farms around here right?

Leave a Reply