The Scooter Squad manifesto

Sleek, elegant, stylish, modern. These are the words I would use to describe my blue Razor Mark-A kick scooter. I call her Sheila. She has been with me since the beginning of sophomore year and is, by far, the greatest under-$30 purchase I have ever made. She is truly the prime example of the perfect blend of functionality and style. Every kick, every turn, every grind, comes with bombastic elegance with just a dash of sexy charm. Imagine my joy to feel the warmth of the sun. To watch all of this treacherous ice melt away so that Sheila can once again be unleashed upon the unready world. And yet, it seems as though Colby’s affection for the modern marvel of the scooter has gone with the winter. No longer can I scoot across the quad and hear the welcoming shouts of “Scooter squad” from fellow scooter enthusiasts. Where have you gone brothers and sisters? Has the scooter gone out of style? What’s really going on here? I had to press for answers, and I must warn you, the truth will shock you.

“I would rather long board. Riding a scooter just feels kinda lame,” said Zoë Dickerson ’19.

“Dude, biking is just better in every way,” said Ian Liphart ’18.

“I don’t really have any strong opinions on anything,” said Randy Chan ’19.

Has everyone lost their minds? Is this the reason for the diminishing membership of the scooter squad? I may be too late in this, but to all those who have begun to doubt the splendid majesty of the scooter, lend me thy ears that I may endeavor to sway thee.

The scooter is the most practical form of transportation. A scooter can do everything that any other form of transportation can do—and more— for 10 times less the cost. Tight turns? Bikers’ worst nightmare. Let’s see you try to stop on a dime on your longboard, Zoë.

With their reasonable speed and easy handling, the scooter is the ideal choice for people of all skill levels to ride safely. There is nothing lame about safety. Long distance? According to the Guinness Book of World Records, a team of scooter riders traveled almost 350 miles in only one day. With a pace that only a kick scooter can provide, you could head down to Lewiston, hang out for 15 minutes and still be back in time for the late night dinner special at the spa.

And hey, when is the last time you heard of someone folding up a bike and taking it to class after riding it there from their dorm?

With all these benefits, it’s hard to see why everyone doesn’t have a scooter. I can tell you from personal experience, that the bond between a man and his scoot can be fierce, and intimidating to those uninitiated. I have enjoyed every minute with Sheila. Nothing is more beautiful than someone taking the time to enjoy a pleasant ride on this classic mode of transportation. So the next time you see someone bravely and unabashedly riding a scooter down the quad, raise your hand in solidarity and proudly shout “Scooter Squad!”