Most things are terrible

The first piece I wrote for this issue was called “Everything Is Terrible.” I’m sick, schoolwork is building up, and my Sim died, so it seemed appropriate. It was so depressing that I deleted the article, so now I’ve decided to send a more positive message: most things are terrible. Disease, violence, that guy I saw in the dining hall whose backwards cap was only on the back of his head; the list goes on and on.

But now I realize that some things aren’t terrible. They’re not that great, but they’re not terrible. I play Mario Superstar Baseball and I think, “Now that’s not too bad.” I eat banana cream pie and I think, “I’ve eaten worse things.” I look at Vin Diesel and I think, “That’s one hunky man.”

The problem is not that non-terrible things don’t exist, or even that we don’t partake in them often enough. If anything, I would argue that the non-terrible things make me less happy because they remind me what a waste of time most of the things I do are.

On an ordinary Sunday night, I would spend several hours doing homework that I should have started much, much, much earlier. This Sunday, however, I felt sick so I played video games instead. Today (Monday), I felt even sicker so I slept and played the guitar all day. Now the prospect of doing work seems worse than usual because I’ve spent too much time doing non-terrible things.

My conclusion is that, since most of us don’t have the luxury of constantly surrounding ourselves with non-terrible things, we need to participate in as many terrible things as possible to be happy. If we keep ourselves miserable enough, our brains will turn to mush and think that everything is going well. They’ll forget that our time on this planet is inconceivably short, and that nothing we do has any objective meaning. Instead they’ll tell us that doing work and wearing baseball caps on the back of our heads are the most important things in the universe. And don’t you dare let that hat cover your whole head.

I’m pretty sure most people do this unconsciously; I can’t think of any other explanation for why people do the things they do. If you are enjoying yourself right now, stop. Do something “worthwhile” like exercise or homework until your brain turns to mush. Then you’ll be happy for sure.

Everything: 1/5 stars

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