Eat your heart out, Guantanamo: On getting waterboarded

PETE: So are we continuing this Watervillain attack scenario?

SAM: I think it’s pretty played out. We need something new.

STEVE: Yeah.

PETE: What about if, like, they won in that scenario and some Watervillains came and got to us, like the Colby leadership, and had to get information out of us.

SAM: I dunno man.

PETE: What if they waterboarded us?

SAM: I mean if you wanna get waterboarded…

[The next day]:

PETE: Ok, so what are our gut reactions on having been waterboarded? ‘Cuz my–

SAM: First of all, that’s definitely torture.

GRIFF: Yeah. Undeniably.

PETE: I mean, yes.

GRIFF: It’s only not torture in the sense that we had the ability to stop when we needed to.

SAM: In our particular case, we shouldn’t call it torture, but–

PETE: It was with consent. It’s all about consent.

SAM: Yeah, but when is somebody ever going to consent to torture?

PETE: Um…last night? When we did.

SAM: Yeah.

GRIFF: Well yeah, by definition you can’t consensually torture someone.

SAM: So that’s good, we didn’t torture anyone!

PETE: Ruled that one out, guys. We should say something more profound about this.

GRIFF: So what did you feel like in the moment?

SAM: Like I was drowning?

PETE: Accidentally pouring too much water up my nose.

SAM: Well that’s why it wasn’t really torture. Would have been interesting if after you had [triggered the emergency release], we had kept going for like ten seconds.

GRIFF: Well then we would have been deeply psychologically bothered by it.

SAM: Dude, I was definitely psychologically bothered by it.

PETE: We would not have come back to the rest of our crew, like, “Wow, we just got waterboarded!”

SAM: I think a lot of that was due to the adrenaline. I don’t really have a concept of how much time that took.

GRIFF: So how did we feel as the waterboarders?

SAM: But waterboarding…we just can’t even compare what we did to—

GRIFF: Not at all. We basically drowned each other for fun.

SAM: That’s pretty messed up, if you think about it.

GRIFF: We didn’t torture another human being because we wanted something out of them.

GRIFF: Sam definitely lasted the longest of us.

PETE: I think I lasted pretty long.

SAM: That’s a bizarre masculinity thing now.

GRIFF: “I got waterboarded way longer than you! You’re a p****, man!”

PETE: The fact that we did this in the first place, I mean, publicity.

GRIFF: It becomes a competition, who can get waterboarded the most.

PETE: Colby waterboarding club?

SAM: I don’t think they would fund that.

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