A review of hatty things, societally and empirically

Today was a special day for me: I wore a hat. And I don’t usually wear hats. What’s the point? I’ve pondered this question many times while scratching my head and shampooing my hair. But today I sucked it up and wore one. Some would call it an experiment; others would call it “I found it in the spa.” Either way, I learned that hats, no matter how inconsequential they seem, have the power to change a person.

I felt the stares of campus girls, sensed the eyes of jealous males behind me as I passed. It was just an ordinary day. But soon I realized the hat’s utility. As I write this, I can proudly state that I did not get a sunburn all day. Not one. And the sun didn’t get in my eyes most of the time.

As incredible as my time with the hat was, I knew I had just scratched the surface of its potential. So, as I did in my previous article, I turned to local Colby students. I started with my generous hat donor AJ Petes, who proclaimed, “Hats make me feel more confdent. In a world of unfamiliarity, the constant vision of the brim provides comfort and incense.” I was with you up until that last word, Petes. Not quite sure what you’re getting at. Interestingly, another interviewee said that he liked hats because they “protect the sun.” Clearly many students have a tenuous grasp on the world around them.

Afer weeding out the lunatics, I found that the most common reasons that Colby students break out the headwear are cold weather and bad hair days, two things that are in no short supply around here. Tese are far from the only two reasons to wear hats, however. Tommy wears hats because he doesn’t like the shape of his head. Sorry, Tommy, you’re head is still weird. Earl Lampshade wears hats when he has good hair days. Joe Schmidtenhausenbaucher wears hats so the Mets win the World Series.

In an experiment to determine the short-term effects of hatwearing, I asked JG Grizzle, a local birdwatcher who only wears hats when it’s cold, to try on a red Washington Nationals hat. Grizzle later wrote of the experience, “It gave me a slight sense of badassery. Like, I felt the same, but strangely different.” Different indeed, Grizz. I bet you didn’t even get a sunburn. And if it had been raining, the top of your head would have stayed slightly drier. Take that, naysayers.

Hats: 4/5 stars

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