What the buildings at Colby would be named if I were in charge

AMS: SAM – Anthony, Mitchell, and Schupf make up the three storied, three winged dorm known now as AMS. Above the main entrance to the building, students read “Mitchell, Schupf, Anthony.” The physical order of the wings, from right to left, is Mitchell, Anthony, Schupf. AMS reflects neither the signage nor the order, left to right or right to left, of the wings. As such, AMS would be called SAM, a short and sweet configuration which would make the Samuels of the world very happy.

Anthony: Tony’s – sounds like a fun pizza shop where middle schoolers go after school instead of a Portuguese Catholic saint.

Schupf: Schoop (like poop) – firstly, this is actually pronounceable, secondly, it’s a poop joke, a universal form of humor

Mitchell: Itchy Mitchy – a great conversation starter. Why is it itchy? Allergies? Wool sweaters? Bug bites?

Perkins Wilson: the Perk – as a former resident of what students currently call PeWi, I can say that I would have loved if my dorm did not sound like a tiny green bean and instead sounded like a cool coffee shop.

Take 4: Snackorale – Take 4 resides in Caporale (pronounced caporalee). Given its status as the premier spot to get chips and cookies with just a meal swipe on campus, I believe that it should be commonly known as Snackorale, to better convey its true function.

The Athletic Center: Alfond Alfitness Center – inserting the world fitness is not only a fun use of the letter “f” but also takes away the connotation of the Athletic Center with “athletes” and instead opens it up to all those hoping to get fit.

Averill: Vrill – just a fun way to shorten it to one syllable. Busy Colby students do not have time to add in the extra “A” in Averill.

Lovejoy: Hatesadness – this is a cheeky way to invert the components of the word Lovejoy. As well, it more properly conveys the state of the building, which causes neither love nor joy with its strange single-stall toilets which open up straight into some of the busiest hallways on campus.

Diamond: Four Carats, Four Credits – this is a little wordy but it includes the repetition of the word four as well as alliteration of the hard “c.” Although I am pretty sure that four carats is not a common amount of carats, it goes with the four credits theme. This can be adapted given the number of credits one is taking while in Diamond and the number of carats that they are feeling like aspiring to that day. For example, “Three Credits, Thirteen Carats.”

Museum of Art: Fart Museum – see my note on Schupf on poop jokes.

Hillside: Sillhide – This is a classic switcheroo situation. You could also go with Shillshide if you want.

Heights: Sthgieh – This is Heights spelled backwards. It is hard to pronounce which allows for each person saying it to put their own unique spin on it.

Davis Connects: Waterville DC – This is inspired by Washington D.C., except instead of Washington it is Waterville and instead of District of Columbia it is Davis Connects. Neat!